Ummmm… now what?????????

So, I suppose we need an update…  Turns out the doctor changed his mind about putting me on birth control last month, opting instead for a trigger shot to try to burst the cysts and then just cancelling that month’s cycle.  So this month I started anew, this time with femara rather than clomid.  I fretted and fretted over this, because in Canada there’s some controversy over whether this drug may be linked to increased birth defects.  Plus, it’s a breast cancer drug for goodness sakes, which just seems weird to be taking when trying to get pregnant.  But in the end I decided to put trust in my doctor.  I can only hope that was a good decision.  So, femara 5mg for five days.  One Menopur shot.  Ultrasound cd12 showed one 24mm follicle.  They triggered me that morning and I went in the next day for the IUI.  My lining was less than spectacular at 7.2.  And the post-wash sperm count was only 7 mil motile.  So truthfully, I just figured this cycle was a bust.  I haven’t even been posting, just feeling kind of deflated.  And in my mind I had even decided to take the next month or two off, enjoy the summer, concentrate on losing some weight and getting my body in better shape to try to increase our chances.  I haven’t had any symptoms other than ravenous hunger and non-stop light cramping, which I figured meant AF was on her way early.  So yesterday at 10dpiui I tested and there was stark whiteness (top test).  Not surprised at all.  This morning at 11dpiui I peed again and saw the faintest pink line (middle test) which shows better in person than in that picture, but both S and I saw it.  But it was faint, and I figured maybe a false pos??  I went to a union meeting all day, but it kept nagging at me.  So of course I had to stop off and get some more tests on the way home.  The bottom one is from this afternoon, still 11dpiui, but the line is definitely darker.   So now what???  I’m freaking out.  S is freaking out.  I want to believe it, but I’m so scared.  I’ve had three friends with early miscarriages, and one with a full term stillbirth that haunts me to this day.  I’m not so naive to think that this is “it”.  That one double pink line means you get to bring home a healthy baby.  My beta is on tuesday.  What if it’s low and they tell me I’m losing the baby??  What if tomorrow the second line doesn’t show up?  When can I start getting excited and stop worrying?  Because right now, it doesn’t feel real.  And I’m DEFINITELY freaking out.